I hate being sick. I’m just getting over a miserable head cold and I’ve been pissed off about how I’ve felt health-wise all week.
What I noticed, though, is that the feeling of misery isn’t the physical discomfort. I’m actually pretty tough when it comes to pain, etc. (which my brother-in-law would say is what EVERYONE says—but I know it’s true for me. ;) ) I’m miserable because I’m angry about being sick.
When I was miserable at my job, I worked with an amazing woman to help get things back on track. Stella’s thing was (still is) happiness. “Get happy.” She’d say that if you weren’t happy you couldn’t do your best work, and you wouldn’t see opportunities that you don’t want to miss.
What I wanted was a different job. What I needed was to feel what I felt, then move on to a better feeling.
One of the most important things Stella ever said to me was, “While you’re doing whatever you’re doing to change things, you have to trust that the universe is out there working on your behalf. It will meet you half way, but you can’t plan or control that part.”
I never trusted the universe. What I’ve gotten in my life, so I thought, was because I put my head down and worked through whatever it took to get my share of the life-win scraps. And I think I did okay. We live in a safe place and have the luxury of choosing the food we eat and taking vacations. It feels like these things were earned. Earning I understand.
But the “letting things happen” part? What is that about?
It’s this head cold. It just happened. It doesn’t have to make me happy, but being angry that I can’t do what I’d planned to do that day (or for several days) doesn’t change it. Getting mad at the universe for putting me on the couch doesn’t help me. My anger, I think, is me feeling betrayed. Like I’m doing my part, and the universe is putting its boot on my face.
Anger is more complicated than we think. It looks so pure on the surface, but my anger, for example, is “betrayal” flavored. What about the person who gets in the ring feeling anger? Is he boxing, or is he trying to kill someone?
We’re all playing a game. It’s all a game. That means doing your best. Doing it in a way that’s fun. You don’t go into a game of Settlers of Catan based on anger. You don’t box that way. You can’t live that way. Not really live.